Some Pictures I took Today

I loved this red leaf. Fall is coming fast.

Who can resist a sleeping boy?

Just another one of my standard paths. I love the walking trails along here. I need to get out and get some pictures as soon as fall hits, then winter. :)

This one I was messing around.

I don't know what those brown things are called, but I love the way it looks in the tall grass.

I came across this on the path. I know it's not a 'real' one, but I wonder who built it. A family out on a walk? A group of daycare kids? Someone practicing with the flat rocks that were in the area?
Lots of people builds these here. They are called inuksuit, and according to http://www.inukshukgallery.com They are monuments made of unworked stones that are used by the Inuit for communication and survival. The traditional meaning of the inukshuk is "Someone was here" or "You are on the right path."

I woke up with a song in my head

Because I need to do a blog about it.

I've been in my day program, and I'm almost finished. I've gotten a lot out of it. It's helped me learn lots of new coping skills, and basically, how to accept my own feelings and have some self confidence. Dh has noticed huge changes in me, how I deal with things. As I change, he has changed, we're dealing together on a whole different level. The past four months have been amazing for our relationship.

I thought as I went through the program, I would end up delving a lot into my past, but I really didn't. But, somehow, as I learned the new skills, slowly, but surely the past issues, came up, and I learned to deal with the past in healthy ways. Some specific things have come up this week that have forced me to deal directly with things that have happened in the past. I've dealt with them very differently than I did before.

What does that have to do with a song?

This has been going through my head since almost the moment I woke up this morning.

This song is for my wonderful DH. I wish I could sing it for you.

It says exactly what I'm feeling.

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Tough Week

I don't want to go into details,

but it has been a hell of a week.

There has been good news on my job front though, I countered what my company offered, and they accepted it.

I'll be returning to work next Tuesday.

Other than that, my life has been in an uproar.

Atonement

Atonement is defined as:

1. satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.
2.(sometimes initial capital letter) Theology. the doctrine concerning the reconciliation of God and humankind, esp. as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Christ.
3.Christian Science. the experience of humankind's unity with God exemplified by Jesus Christ.
4.Archaic. reconciliation; agreement.

I'm not so much concerned with the third and fourth definition, I want to talk about the first two, eventually.

Yesterday the second part of my class focused on grief and loss. It brought up a whole host of emotions for me. According to the person giving the lecture there are all sorts of losses that one must grieve.

The obvious ones- through death, of parents, children, family members, friends etc.

Then there are less obvious one, a person can have a myriad of losses through a divorce. A whole side of a family, friends, lifestyle, etc.

There are other losses as well. A person can lose a lot when they lose their job. With mental illness there can be many losses you may have to grieve the loss of functioning, or identity, loss of dreams because you just can't pursue certain things because it would be too stressful to pursue that particular thing with the limitations of your illness.

Personally, I've had to grieve the loss of my country, fertility, dreams and a whole host of other things.

It was an interesting class.

I was thinking about how I had incompletely grieved some of my losses. I never truly grieved the loss of my grandma when she died, she didn't have a funeral, and I was 3,000 miles away from my entire family, so I didn't even get to gather around the table and play remember when. Today I wrote an essay about her, I cried about it. I feel some healing happening, where I didn't even know I needed it.

Then I was thinking of some of my other losses, less obvious ones, but ones I still carry around with me. Through some of my own actions and the actions of others I've lost most of the people who knew me before I turned about 25. I still have my immediate family, but there is a whole swath of people who knew me for varying lengths of time that I don't have any contact with. One whole side of my family due to my parents divorce. Friends and family due to my divorce, lots of people. The only people who I have any real relationships who knew me before I was 25 are my Dad and my siblings. And, honestly, living 3,000 miles away, it's hard to maintain a really close connection to them. I am thankful of course, for my family, and for my stepmom who I met right before I turned 25 :)

How does that lead me back to atonement?

I was thinking about it, and I have no real way of making atonement for the wrongs that I have done to some of these people. I definitely can't repair most of the relationships, and I don't believe I can make amends either. To varying degrees I have attempted it, I've tried to reconnect with parts of my family and I've reached out to old friends. But, there haven't been any real bonds re-formed. In some cases, I know it isn't even possible. I don't know how to atone for the wrongs that I've done, and if anyone comes across this blog and thinks this applies to you, know that I am sorry for hurting you. I know that I was wrong.
I've been working on improving myself and trying to do the right thing and be a better person for many years now. I've held a heavy load of guilt for a long time. If you want to more fully discuss it, please email me.

This leads me to the second definition of Atonement.


I know that Jesus Christ died on the Cross to atone for my sins. I thank God every single day that He has.

Here is my understanding of what that means. God gave Adam and Eve free will. When they listened to the lies of the serpent and disobeyed God, they brought sin into the world. A punishment was required for that very first sin, and He pronounced a judgment on them. Death, spiritual, physical, a separation from Him. Since that time, every person has been under the curse of sin. God, being a Holy God cannot tolerate sin, so if we remain in our sin we are separated from Him. But, at that time God also made a provision for salvation. At the proper time He sent His Son to the world to become flesh. His sinless Son, Jesus Christ, took on the sins of the entire world. In his crucifixion and death, He died bearing our sins in order that the punishment for them may be satisfied and we could be reconciled to God.

Praise God, He rose again, He has victory over the grave. He is seated at the right hand of the Father. And, He will come again. (Even so, Come Quickly Lord Jesus!)

Some of my favourite verses

Romans 3: 22-26
22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement,through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

John 3:16-17

16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

John 14:1-3

1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am

I get choked up every time I read this next one, I can't read it aloud with out tears choking my voice. My little boy always asks me why. I cling to this, a promise.

This is in the New King James version

1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. 2 Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. 4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Still don't know what I'm doing

But, I'm taking a break from thinking about it for the weekend.

DH and I aren't even going to talk about it.

I met with my company today, and found out more details on why they are doing this. I think I have all the facts now. I have a week until I have to make a decision.

Until Monday, I'm going to play my Mama Mia soundtrack over and over and be a Dancing Queen.

Then next week DH and I are going to go over the numbers and figure out exactly what we need from my company in order for me to keep working there. They are a great company, but, there is a minimum I have to make, otherwise it doesn't make any sense to stay there.

After my meeting today I wanted to cheer up, so what did I do? Of COURSE I went and saw Mama Mia again!

I still love that movie. That is the 4th time I've seen it. I love it!

Now that I pay for movies with my own hard earned money, I don't often re-watch movies, but I'd go see this one ten more times.

I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. :)

Not exactly sure how to handle this

I contacted my company about my return to work.

All throughout my sick leave they have been very supportive, telling me not to worry about my job, just take the time to get better.

I got an email yesterday documenting the terms of my return. A drastic reduction in pay, a probation for 4 months while I work for less money and only 3 days a week.

I'm utterly shell shocked.

I didn't expect this at all.

I don't know what to do on the whole, so I'm taking some small steps. My company offered to meet with me to discuss the changes that have been made at the company while I've been gone.

So, I'm calling my care coordinator at day program today to get some advice, maybe she knows who can help find out what my actual rights are. And, hopefully she and I can do some cognitive rehearsal, so when I meet with my company I just don't go in there and cry. :)

Other than that...things are good. Michael likes his new daycare. DH and I are doing wonderfully well. Things are really good here.

I did something today I don't think I've ever done before!

I mowed the lawn!

We need a cordless lawn mower.

However, that is way down on our list of priorities.

New car to replace our '94 Accord, new roof, school clothes, etc have to take priority when our current mower works fine. :)

I also did something else I've never done before, I replaced the shower head in Michaels shower.

He now has a cool hosed one that hopefully will help in the bathing process, make it easier for him to get his hair washed and make bathtime a quicker and less tear filled prospect.

Nick and Michael are still down at Nick's parents. I needed to come back for my course and an appt. tomorrow, so I took the train up from where they live last night.

I wasn't 'as productive' as I should have been. But, I got unpacked, the dishes are done. The lawn is mowed, the shower head is changed, I registered for my final class for my office admin diploma. I started on a rough draft of scheduling for when I go back to work.

I think I did enough today.

I need to head off to bed, so I alert for my course tomorrow.

I have a busy day ahead.

1) psychiatry appt at 8:30
2) my course until 2 pm
3) I'm desperate for a haircut. (maybe I'll post pictures :) )
4) Trip to Canadian tire to get a shower head for master Bath (also wrench and washing machine hoses)
5) Stop by Henry's to register for photography course. I tried to do it online, but the gift card I'm using to register for it isn't working properly. The course is this Saturday, and I really want to be part of it. It's the first level for my particular camera. It will be some basics I've already figured out, but hopefully some new info as well.
6) Stop by Walmart and pick up some photos I had printed. I know they finished my 5X 7's, I hoping they finish the rest by tomorrow afternoon. I definitely want to have all of them by next Wednesday. I'm going to bring them all in to my class.

That should be enough for tomorrow. I'm having a friend over to watch a movie. I suppose I'm probably feeding her as well. I need to figure out what I'm feeding her at some point. I don't do well cooking when I'm alone, so today, I had an egg sandwich around noon, and cheese and crackers at 9:30 pm. I'll have to make a bit more effort for Wendy. :)

I also want to put some thought into the photography techniques certificate courses. Maybe I could start with taking one class in September? They have Basic Digital Photography, it meets Mon or Wed. I'm already taking an online course, but, it's just one night if I take one course. I'm also interested in the composition and design and the lighting.

But, I'll have to talk it over with Nick and see if that's an option. It may be too ambitious, going back to work, plus taking an online course, plus working out 4 days a week, plus a regular class.

Anyway...

I must get to sleep.

Thirty Two...what should I do with my life?

Things this week were stressful as I face the reality of returning to work in September. I adore my company, they are really really great. However, my job, not so much.

I'm an Admin Assistant for a high tech rep company. Not exactly a dream job. So, once again, my husband and I had the stay at home mom discussion. Honestly, with the expennses we have coming up in the next 2-3 years (roof, new car, rising costs of everything) we just can't afford for me to completely stop working.

I was pretty mad about it for a couple of days until it *finally* dawned on me that I actually had options. Just because I'm an Admin Asst that doesn't mean I need to remain one for the rest of my life. Yes, apparently I'm slow. :)

So after discussing it with DH I've come up with a plan of sorts. 1) I wil do the last course for my office admin diploma so I will have completed some post secondary.

2) I believe, and have been told I have some natural talent for photography. Plus, I really enjoy it. I have thousands of pictures on my hard drive, I can take 200 on a 2 hour walk in the woods. So, I plan on taking a few photography courses at the local college to see if I can grasp the technical aspects of it. If I can, I will pursue that line of work because I can make my own hours, be there for Michael etc. But, I'm only going to take a few classes to see if I 'get' it because I don't want to waste too much time. If I can get it and make good pics I can slowly pursue a degree while still working. If I can't understand the technical aspects to the point I could make money with my work, the classes won't be wasted because I enjoy taking pictures so much. (plus is any knowledge wasted?)

http://www.picasaweb.google.com/LMarotta has some examples of my pics. The wedding ones have a LOT of bad shots...but there are a few really nice ones thrown in too.

3) If, after a few courses I decide that photography is too technical and I can't do it professionally, I will go back to school part time to get my degree. At this point the end goal will be a degree in English, or History and then Teachers College. If I can begin teaching within ten years, then I'll still have over 20 years teaching, a good length career, and a pension. In one way or another, I have wanted to be a teacher since I was Michael's age circumstances have always cahnged my plans, so this would be a good option as well.

so, we shall see, it's exciting. :)

6 Miles Today!

I did my first six miler today. *That's 9.6 kilometers* I was running on a track because I'm currently out of town. I did the whole thing in 1:37...I feel like I totally kicked butt!

Sunday I have a three mile run and Tuesday is five, I'm going to concentrate on running more and walking less this next week, but I feel like my training is comig along well.

I really enjoy the running. I need a couple of things, definitely I need some sort of hydration system, I've got an eight mile run next friday. I would like to get a heart rate monitor so I can stay in a good zone. I'm not sure I'm challenging myself enough.

A couple of things are happening that I never would have expected, the first being, I like running, I like the exercise. If you know me, I'm sure a gasp of surprise may have escaped your lips. :)

The second, I've read on running boards that as you run more your eating habits improve, so you can run better. Slowly but surely I'm eating better, not because I want to lose weight...I want to run as well as I can.

Trust me, I don't know wth is wrong with me ;)