Things I want to do before I die...

I really would like to do some things, some life changing, some more fanciful...but, these wants desires etc.

1) I would like (badly) to have more children. I know I have issues, but I'm willing to put the work in to lose the weight so I can get my tubal reversed. I've also been taking supplements to try and control my PCOS symptoms. I don't know what is going to happen, but If I am as healthy a possible, if the other impediments ever lift, I want to be ready. Do I think the other impediments are going to lift? I don't know, I've been praying for years, and so far God is either saying No or a very insistent wait.

2) I would like to be a Stay at home mom. nuff said :)

3) I want to see Castles.

4) I'd love to see Israel

5) I want a PT cruiser :)

6) I'd love to have time to volunteer at Michaels school.

7) I'd love to make christmas cookies with my sisters.

8) I want to travel Scotland, and England

9) I'd love to get one of those all day spa packages with massages, body wraps, facials etc.

10) I've always dramed of running a marathon

11) I would like to go to university...but not unless I figure out what I actually want to do, and if it is realistic with my limitations.

12) Camping in Yellowstone

13) historical tour of US to show Michael.

I wrote a poem...

It's not a very good poem of course...but it's mine :)

Then a scary thing happened, I was talking about it at dinner. (as part of my search for a poem for a christmas project I'm doing)

So, i said" I even wrote a poem trying to say the right thing, but it didn't say what I needed it to say.

Then Michael asked if he could hear it. and Nick asked as well

I immediately got butterflies i my stomach, but, how could I refuse my six year old?

Also, I've recently had input from two separate people, without me asking that I've always kept my feelings inside, never shared the real me. I found that quite stunning that both people (my sisters) knew that all these years. I thought I was hiding so well.

So, long story short, I shared a piece of myself tonight with Michael and Nick. Nick said it was good. It doesn't matter if it was or wasn't, it expressed something inside.

Will I post it here? Maybe after I rework it more :)

Today I'm i a bad way...

and, I don't even know why.

I got serious with my weight loss last week and lost three lbs . Whoohoo, so thats good.

I have a new beautiful niece, Kylie she was born Nov 5th. I should hopefully see her and my brother and his wife by the end of the month.

Michael is doing really well in school. He's one of the best readers in his class, he made A's in math and science (and B's or B+'s in everything else) He's making friends and gets along well with others, he's good at sports and he's artistic (sp. music)...he is doing very well.

I just had a great visit with my sister. Really great, I love getting to know my siblings as adults and shedding the notions of who they once were and seeing how they have changed. I find the older i get I have more in common with some, less with others, and yet we all share a common bond.

And yet...I plagued by anxiety today. I have much to be grateful for, but I have an overwhelming feeling of dread in my heart, and nervous energy coursing through my body. And...I feel like I'm going to burst out crying at any moment.

I had multiple anxiety attacks last night that kept waking me up...so it looks like I have to go back on the sleeping medication for at least a while.

So, what am I anxious about?

1) I don't know. I can't point to any one thing and say this set me off.

2) Money, of course. I know that God will provide, I believe this with every fiber of my being, and I have seen His hand in my life more times than I can count, and yet, I feel a huge burden right now. I know what is happening right now is absolutely what needs to be happening, but, I wasn't built for this.

3) Weather...I'm scared of going crazy again this winter. I'm trying to have a positive outlook, and get outside when it s sunny. I've also started vitamin d supplements, but , when it is sunny, it's also at least -14, which is fricken cold. I'm at work during most of the daylight, so I don't have many opportunities to get outside. Mostly, I'm deeply afraid one of these winters I'm going to lose it for good, even though I have all the skills now and I'm trying to use them.

4) Support Network...All I have time for these days is running the house, so my support has fallen by the wayside. The people I had been depending on for support when I finished my program all needed my support as soon as my program ended, so I was immediately cast into the caretaker role. I don't mind that role, not in the least, but, I feel like I hadn't even fully recovered, and then I had to take on 10 times more responsibility than normal.

5) My job is stressful right now. Taking a day off because I can't function properly is just adding to the job stress, but what can i do?

Overall I'm overwrought, overset, and probably need to call my doctor for a refill of clonazapam, as I don't see anything changing in the near future.

Yipes, it's been a while!

It's been a busy stressful time lately.

What's new? :)

Today, I finally decided I had to get serious about my weight.

I have a LOT to lose. But, I'm not focusing on how much I have to lose.

These are my first goals:

1. Stay on plan all day today. (so far...check)
2. Drink at least 64 ounces of water daily. (need more)
3. lose 10 lbs

When I accomplish these goals, I will re-evaluate.

I have also been concentrating on working on my PCOS, taking supplements that should help, being diligent about my Metformin. My main goal right now is to get my PCOS under control.

I have been checking my blood sugar, and it was on the edge of being scary for a while there, so I really need to get this under control.

So, here I am, actually dieting, trying to exercise, getting proper rest, supplements.

All that good stuff. :)

Hopefully I will see results quickly. :)